I don't know!

hello people, sorry for the long absence. will not dwell on that. right now i don't feel like saying anything because i have no idea of what i feel writing. but maybe i do have something. i don't know.

we had a public speaking workshop in school. it was really good, learnt a lot, things i thought i had all in control but i didn't. there was a part where i was given a task to tell everyone something about me (or should i say somethings). it was the i realised that even my closest friend does not know that much about me. they barely know me. i don't know.

have i put a mask on? well it looks like it. and i put a mask on myself that i can't even recognise myself? even last night i thought to myself. do i really want to be a fashion designer? do i? because since i was a child, i always wanted to be a doctor but what happened till it became the one thing i don't want to do at all? but do i really hope i don't become a doctor? i can't say yes or no so i don't know.

it seems as though i now have an identity crisis. i'm back to square one. am i who i am? i look at the mirror and is see a different person all together. yes, all grown up when it only seemed yesterday i was half my actual height. i have transformed completely but who am i? i don't know.

i have too many questions but too little time.i really hope all would be right soon and yet again i have realised i have drooled all over another a rant over all of you. my apologies but the reason is if anyone out there has (or had a same problem like me, i do hope you can shed some light). it would to good to us all. well i got to go. see you all soon. adios!

Fireworkz!

hello everyone. it's good to be back. exams are over. God bless i feel so relieved now. the madness is over. so Diwali was over and quite honestly, it was dull as i expected it would be. but had loads to do. had to do all the chores and decorations, like below




this is after all my work. mom got this beautiful bras indian water bowl from my aunt for her birthday. so i decorated them...looks like a Kolam right? only difference is it's got flowers in it, all floating in water! the we had lunch in my place and it was hectic. being a host is no small feat and at night, we had fireworks. i know, i know it's illegal but come on. we don't play everyday. it was totally fun!
it was aw some. three hours of fireworks. fantastic! then immediately after Diwali was the exam fever. i would prefer not to go there. its been very rainy and i think i got to go. i hear thunders. well got to disconnect and have lunch. will catch up soon. adios.

El disco de tu corazón!

hello world. yes my more than a week hiatus has ended and probably a new one is about to start, will explain that later. but i'm back after a long absence. so back to update. nothing much. the usual nonsense in my life. just waiting to get the hell grown up. i mean i finally accepted the fact i can't become a child again so i have to look forward.

on the contrary though, i have another problem and this is well...pretty freaky. i have this perverted gay relative stalking me. thank God the great Holy one i was able to tackle the problem for the time being but a storm is brewing and yes i'm brewing it which is either bad or good. it can go either way so i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

moving on to a more joyous atmosphere, Deepavali is this Saturday. i can't wait! at first it was pretty dull and all because well the exams are next week so i felt that my holidays were destroyed. but now the hype has awaken. can't wait to wear all those new clothes and i find my Jippa very sexy. not too enthusiastic about the family part, first Deepavali without Grams so it's pretty awkward. it's going to be very different this year. the amount work that had to be done in this house is amazing and not to mention helping out in preparing all those fabulous Indian cakes (a special mention to murukkus, ghee balls, ghee biscuits and athirasam).

well don't worry. at least this year i will try my very best to get photos up... no i will get the photos up. well about the random title, it's the chorus of one of my favourite Spanish/Latin songs entitled Hola by Miranda. well i got to go. more work awaits and got to catch some valuable shut eye. till soon. adios!

Hostility + Scepticism = Anger

hey everyone... today is Hari Raya or to be exact, it is the 1st day of the Muslim month of Syawal after fasting for the holy moth of Ramadhan. a for me... it's rather dull today. too much drama. i have no mood to even open the book to get down with assignments. to top the 'cake', well... this is a long story but i got time so i will spill.

well i have this uncle, a very close one in a matter of fact. recently after entering form 6, he 'advices' me, and these 'advices' are rather hostile. in fact, he even called up my mom and scolded her and the after effects were pretty ugly between my parents and me. why would you ask? well the fact that i was not born as a robot and cram myself up in my room and read my books till my eyes evaporate and i turn to dust. even now, i'm trying to fight back my anger. i think he is saying this with good intentions for my own good but it is just so irritating. what does he think of me? yes, recently i haven't been putting much effort with all the issues i'm going through but now i have changed. now he comes today to visit, stirs up the old mess and now i feel like an ultimate loser all over again.

and there are other issues as well, which i can't discuss. i now feel awkward seeing him eye to eye. what the hell is wrong with these people? i am not trying to be arrogant or disrespectful but why leave comments and make me feel guilty and my parents some what embarrassed (but i have come into conclusion that my parents will never ever be proud of me, they are never satisfied)? it is sick to have these people around. i feel so tensed at the moment.

in the end, the time i intend to use perfectly today has now been wasted. i was so restless after that scene with him and i had my parents at my back criticising me and they just ruined the whole thing. anger really gets into me. i'm a little better now. i feel like breaking something but instead i'm just going to pray so that He can guide my anger out of me. i know he can. i am really going to pray to God to open up their hearts a bit. shed some light into those scepticism and negativity. until now, they don't trust me. sometimes, i honestly don't care about them, at the end of the day, it is me that matters. it' my life after all.

well, i'm going to get myself a bar of chocolate. there is no other miraculous remedy to a moody day than chocolate. so i am going to go and indulge myself plus i feel loads better now since i let it all out. at the end of the day, all i want to be is to be Happy. will catch up with you all soon. adios. chiow!

Taking chances and that is all that matters.

so sorry boys and girls... did not get much time to blog earlier. what a week and its going end very soon. oh well time, to fast for us to even to stop and think. currently i'm hooked to Sara Bareilles' Gravity. had a lot of realisation today. i don't know. a sudden interest and burning to ace my STPM. was listening to the radio today with mum (well the tamil reception of course) and there was this guy who only got 5 A's out of 10 subjects for his SPM but actually got 5 A's straight for STPM and he comes from a below-average family. it was truly inspiring to hear. i cannot deny that at moments i still doubt myself and consequently i do not put any effort to prove myself wrong. i have suddenly become scared to be confident and to challenge myself again. i have lost that confidence where a year ago when i only scored 2 A's for my SPM trials i kept telling my parents i will get nothing less than 9 A's for the real deal and i achieved it.

but probably i became like this because of discouragement, loneliness, demoralised and disappointment. yes i was disappointed with my results; hoping i could turn back the hands of time but now i realise it too late for that. what ha been done has been done. the ink has already etched the paper and it's never going to come of, even if it would it could it will leave a stain. God has shown me this part. he has not forsaken me yet. yes i may not be shackled by other people's or my choices but yet maybe this will be the one after all. this will be the time that i will rise. maybe i should be taking chances. maybe i should take this risk. i believe that everything happens for a reason so this must be one of it. a lot of people believe i can do it, why can't i?

i just have to start again. back to the basics. i will prove myself wrong. i will prove that i will make it despite the fact i doubt myself i will not make it. i will not think of the future yet. it's to far and uncertain but i will focus on the present where everything is laid out. all have to do is make choices and take the right steps and that is all that matters.

tomorrow is a new day, a new dawn. i just have to stand, pick myself up and tap myself in the chest and tell to my heart that i can do it and it will follow suit and that is all that matter.
well i got to go. will get back to you guys next week. goodbye and adios.

Is what i was trying to do?

don't ask me about the title. it was totally random. it has been an extraordinary week, but not in a very good way. well after a weeks holiday, i returned back to my school, back to my desk which is right in front of the blackboard. it was truly depressing. it just didn't feel right. i felt as though i was lagging. i am all alone. there's no one by my side, one bye one, people start walking out, leaving me with that puzzled look. i was left almost hanging. the again i ask myself. do i really depend on my friends so much? i really think i do.

with that, there's more conflict at home. parents noticed my mood swings and my moodiness. they noticed my lack of interest in opening the book to actually study and the fact that my once reputable and famous confidence has slowly drained from my skin. now all is left is the cold hard stone of me. i can't help it! what am i supposed to do? it's not like i can be a robot. troubling times...

these kinda things are well most unusual among boys. quite i really am ashamed of how i feel. its weird. sometimes i feel that i don't look at things from the eyes of a normal guy. partly, things are more intriguer and sophisticated. beyond the mundane of things. is that any what normal? i can't tell for i only know from my own eyes, my own year, my own mouth and my own skin. so i can't say anything. well i hope all goes well next week. let's all hope the coming week in a new beginning. plus i've got my first Chemistry tuition today, after much of my effort to put a tantrum that i don't want to go for any tuition but the elders decided to put their foot down....*sigh*. on the other hand, Darren will be there, so it should be fun. another thing was i checked out Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone and it was wonderful. what more to describe my situation.

well i got to go. tuition in an hour and fifteen minutes time. got to have my bath. will post oon and keep waiting for those Tweets! till soon. adios!

Speed of Sound....

i've something to tell. i actually started to appreciate Coldplay only when my grandmother (father's mother that is) passed away. yes awkward it is. well i was only fourteen then, it was during the funeral which was at my uncle's place in Klang. it was a double story house. the night before the funeral, the house was full of people, no one slept and i just couldn't stand the crying and sorrow downstairs so i crept upstairs and i found this really comfortable rocking chair. the ambiance was all dim and dark and i was facing the sliding door where i was looking through the sky which was full of brilliant stairs. all i had to keep me occupied was an old Sony Walkman cassette player with a built in radio. so as i was rocking on the chair admiring that wonderful view, i was hearing the radio and at that time Coldplay with their hit Speed of Sound became so popular it was like listening to their songs every fifteen minutes. i was all alone up there and to tell the truth though it may sound absurd but Coldplay was all the company i had through out the whole thing. to an extend, all looked beautiful; the ambiance, the music, the panorama. in the end, i can't just look away when i hear that song, with such beauty it send chills down my spine.

and i am again listening to it and all most of their songs which don't really turn up on radio. so it's time to explore... oh well, lets see how long this goes before i have a change of heart. till soon. adios.